Help From a Wise Woman

One of the Wisest of Women came for a brief visit, and as usual brought me her wisdom and a new insight into my never-ending struggle to lose weight. Stacy was in town to speak at our quarterly staff meeting this week.

In the two years since we worked together, she has returned to school and is 75% thru her Ph.D. course load and is working as a researcher in obesity at the state land grant university. The combination of her work experience and her studies gives her the exact set of skills and knowledge that can provide good training and insight to our staff of health educators and exercise physiologists.... and HR me!

It has been fun over the years to learn tidbits from their specialty. In 18 years I've heard at least 100 presentations on some part of health education, and have worked with staff as they developed at least 1,000 programs so I have more than a working knowledge of the field and less than expertise. Stacy's talk on Theories of Behavior Change was not over my head at all, and led me to an ah ha moment.

Self-efficacy - a fancy scientific name for self-confidence. Apparently the reason that many people fail in their efforts to change their behavior is that they are not confident that they can do it. "I need to go to the gym every day, but I can't make the time." " I want to stop smoking, but I smoke three packs a day." " I want to lose weight, but I love to eat."

I just don't believe that I can do it. Wow, there it was. Right in the middle of her presentation it hit me square in the face - almost viscerally. I really don't believe that I can do it.

And, there's a lot of evidence that proves me right. I lost 35 pounds six or seven years ago before putting it all back on. And, I can't count - or even remember - all the other times that I have lost 10 - 20 pounds, just to regain it. A true yoyo dieter. There it is - evidence. I can't do it.

Wait a minute. There's also evidence that I can. What about those 35 pounds? I did lose it. It was hard, but I did it. And I kept it off successfully for 18 months. Bought an entire new wardrobe in a much smaller size. What can I do to replicate that success? What happened? Why did I put it back on? What can I learn from that experience that will make me successful again?

Simple answer: I'm an emotional eater. Something bad happened and I packed on 10 pounds in one week (seriously!) and then "what the heck?" Rather than lose the 10, I gained 25 more seeking comfort in food.

So what's the take away message from Stacy?

1) I can do it. There is evidence. I have done it successfully in the past.

2) I need to reinforce that successful behavior. I need to tell myself - daily? Well, how about at every meal and perhaps when I think I want a snack? - that I can do it. I can skip the extras. I can eat smaller portions. I can throw away food!

3) I need to go back to what I know works - smaller portions, keeping a food journal, and more exercise. And I need to add good self talk.

10-10-10

Ok, so it's been five weeks since I launched my 10-10-10 campaign and I have lost exactly zero pounds. It's a two-pronged campaign - more exercise and less food.

I have done a good job of getting myself to Jazzercise more days a week. Last week it was four, and as much as I hate to admit this... I am starting to resent things [like work] that keep me away. The next step is to add afternoon classes when I miss my morning class. Right now we are headed to a week's vacation where we plan to play a lot of tennis and have already reserved bicycles for the week. The plan is to do some form of physical activity every day, so that should be an acceptable substitute for dance class.

And, I have a new strategy for eating. Remember past success. I can do it.

And you can, too! Think about it. Do you believe you can do it? Do you.... really?

Happy Birthday, Marn!

Marn is the second of my wise women friends. For nearly twenty years we have met weekly for breakfast - sometimes lunch and occasionally dinner - to share what's happening in our lives. We worked for the same firm a lifetime ago - well, almost literally - and for the same lawyer. Our friendship was forged in the trenches of Weight Watchers. We walked at lunch time logging many miles across the Manchester Bridge and lost untold pounds together - several times.

We celebrated new jobs and new houses, and mourned the loss of old jobs and old friends gone too soon. We've coached each other thru the shoals of relationships and compared theories on the Y-chromosome. I feel like her granddaughter is an extended member of my family, and she keeps track of my nieces and nephew.

She's the day-to-day, go-to BFF in my life and the medical consultant I turn to most often. [Like me, she got her MD from Readers Digest, altho I have to admit that she has kept her continuing medical education credits more updated than I.] She coached me thru Mitchell's knee replacement and I did what I could to help her with her new hip. We've compared notes on aches and pains, pneumonia and UTI's.

More than most people, she understands my need to excel and my frustrations when the job doesn't provide those opportunities. She brings me back to reason when I go too far. She worries about my immortal soul, and she makes me laugh.

So, enjoy the day, Marn. It's yours, so celebrate! I'll get lunch.

A Wise Woman Cometh

Another dear, old friend came to visit yesterday. Fortunately, business brought her to town and we got to spend the evening catching up.

Stacy and I worked together for nearly 17 years. She was the manager in another part of the state and lived three hours away so it took a while to become close, but over the years we discovered that we had much in common. Both sticklers for detail and absolute honestly and neither suffering fools gladly. She brought professional experience to the table and I brought years of practical experience. We both brought common sense. Over the years we often found common ground in solutions altho we came to problems from very different directions. Our collaborations were strong and we found that we thoroughly enjoyed each other's company.

She is currently enrolled in a PhD program and will soon be teaching at the university level and helping young people master her field. In the meantime she is working full time doing research into obesity programs and is trying to find ways to help our youth reverse the current trend of overweight in America.

A wife and mother, she is involved with her teenage son and makes time to be with him at school functions and athletic events. A daughter, sister and aunt, she is involved in her extended family - often including several generations in whatever activity she has going. A homemaker, she has the greatest red and white kitchen ever. I never see a red do-dad for the kitchen that I don't consider getting it for her.

Over the years she has helped me to stop and think things thru and to look at issues from many directions. She has listened when I needed to vent. She has called me to discuss an issue before making a decision, and together we have a fired staff member who was not making the grade. Today she's my weight loss adviser and a cheerleader for my never-ending struggled to drop ten pounds.

It was a delight to talk the evening away, and again over breakfast to find that the distance between us is so small.

New Mown Grass

One of my memories from college that reappears at odd times is of the first time I spent the weekend with my (then) boyfriend's parents. We drove from Virginia to Trenton, New Jersey on a Friday and stayed a few days.

On Saturday morning after giving his mother a raft of grief, he cut their very large yard. This was in the days before riding mowers for the home and they must have had an acre or more, so it was quite a job. He stripped to shorts and, shirtless, attacked the job. Since this is my memory, we will give him swimmer's abs and a slight tan. By the time he finished he was soaked with sweat and smelled like a working men do, but the lawn was gorgeous.

Driving home I asked why he had given his mother such a hard time about doing it. " It's all a game," he told me. "I don't mind a bit, never have, but Dad hates to do it, so I pretend to hate it, too. That way they think that they've won something. I actually enjoy doing it, and it looks so good when I am done."

I think that's why I have this memory. Walking mindlessly behind the mower, following the line between cleanly, newly mowed and wildly overgrown, I love the way it falls into place - nice and neat. But most of all, when it's all done to look across it all and watch the wind ripple it.

When our hero finished mowing he had an ice cold beer. I chose a glass of wine on the deck. Well, if you've paid any attention you know that the east coast is three inches deep in pollen right now, so I really didn't sit on the deck to drink it. I hid inside away from the breeze, thankful for the protection from the pollen.

But that in no way diminished my appreciation of the newly cut yard. An hour outside on a warm afternoon, with a necessary job completed - what more could a girl ask? Ah, spring!

Happy Birthday, Elizabeth. As usual your card will be late! I still love you.

Old Friends are Still the Best!

Another lovely day in paradise and lunch with a friend. This time my former boss, who moved here when our company tanked 18 months ago. While the rest of us scrambled for new jobs in our "old" city, she and hubby took off for warmer climes and moved to Florida. They do have family here, including a mother who is happy to help look after two active little ones, but it also gave them a chance to start over with new priorities and new plans.

In the past, hubby had been Mr. Mom, while she was VP of our corporation and worked like it. Later as the children grew older, he joined us as a part time employee, while still coordinating the family schedule. Now, they have switched jobs. It is he who works full time outside of the home, and she who coordinates it all and spends the extra time with the kids. A win for both, I would say!

We met for lunch and a long stroll in Downtown Disney - only the mouse folks would find a way to provide food and shopping in a Magic Kingdom-like setting, so that one could enjoy buying over-priced food and trinkets.

It was fun to catch up after more than 18 months of the occasional Facebook exchange and a few brief emails. Her life has changed way more than mine, but I enjoyed hearing her new insights and seeing her so relaxed with her life and her plans. I was never sure that she would be happy as the stay-at-home mom, but she has carved out a new niche for herself, just as she did years ago when promoted to VP. A new side for this multi-faceted woman, who now collects projects to do, like she used to collect proposals to write.

Perhaps the most important thing she told me tho, was of her new appreciation of her husband and his work. After years of being the primary bread-winner, she has a new respect for his role as main provider, and for how hard it is for the single income family. Like many others she is learning to live within her means in this new economy, and to find that it really fits well and is a comfortable place to be. Another Wise Woman.

And, I really did need those mis-matched socks!

What is it about one's "old" friends that makes them so special? I guess it's the long shared history, but it's that ability to walk into the room and pick up right where we left off that makes the relationship so special.

We just spent four days with Elizabeth and her husband in Naples, Florida. Altho we had only seen them a few nights over the past few years, it was like a continuation of our last visit nearly four years ago and for the two of us it was a continuation of a friendship of 45 years. We have been friends since college - rooming together from time to time and staying in touch all those years by mail, phone, email and cell. I never thought of "us" in terms of modes of communication before, but our first summers were spent in letter-writing - certainly not the expense of calling long distance!

Naples is a lovely city. One can see how the early Italian settlers thought it resembled their city of Napoli, and modern builders have done all they can to enhance that look. Mediterranean buildings predominate in all the new development, and even many of the older structures are painted a light terra cotta or the pastels that we all consider Floridian.

It's a lovely place in other ways, too, with little ponds and pools everywhere and the wonderful variety of palms and plants that grow in delightful profusion. When it sun is shining it's the kind of light that sparkles and makes everything glow - not Virginia light at all! Altho we were there in the coldest, most winter month there were still plenty of lovely plants to see. I'll post photos from the botanical garden at It's My Garden in the next couple of days.

We had time enough to start exploring the area this trip, with a visit to the county museum as well as the botanical garden. The museum is a charming little space on the grounds of the county administrative center. They have collected historical structures from various cultures and time periods and brought them together into an historical village surrounded by small ponds and shaded walks. There's an early train engine and a very well done exhibit on the history of Collier County, Florida. The most interesting exhibit, tho, is about the Big Cypress Swamp - which is next to (and perhaps considered by many to be part of) the Everglades. If you check a map, you will see that about half of Collier County is Everglades and Big Cypress, so they play a huge role in the decision-making and life of that county. The exhibit contains both photos and a great video of the swamp. It explains the unique ecological system found there and its role in keeping many plants and animals alive in our world. Made me want to take a walk (slog?) in the swamp!

The highlight of our trip - eventwise - was a concert in the downtown park by the Naples Concert Band. Elizabeth's husband is an accomplished drummer, who not only played, but also gave me my first drum lesson - theory, not practice!

The true highlight was, of course, spending time with my old friend - catching up on her family and seeing her new home, but touching base on all those things that women do. Asking the hard questions about health or plans for the future, relearning how tough the band is that unites us, and knowing that we will do this again. But until we do, being sure that our hearts will lie close together ... even at at distance.

Now, off to Orlando for a conference. More tomorrow.

Technical note: Cannot get photos to upload properly this morning. It may be a weak wireless connection or just the technology gods are unhappy with me this morning. So, no pretty buildings or palms today. Maybe tomorrow.

Nov. 2nd - Happy Birthday, Garland!

A belated, but happy, birthday to Garland - the last of my Wise Women. It was she who encouraged me to keep my hands in the dirt until I realized that gardening is in the blood, not in the head. She taught me about native plants, and the white plants which she loves. She tolerated my flaming pinks, as she encouraged me to design with color.

When we sold our house - and garden - out from under ourselves, she sheltered and nurtured my perennials as I spirited them out of the garden before we closed the sale and the new owners took over. Everywhere you look in my garden are pass-along plants from hers, like the sedum 'Angelina' that are a firey gold even today. When she moved to North Carolina she left behind enough of her garden that I can feel like she is here with me every day.

At work she helped me to stop assuming the worst of everyone. I will not claim to have learned to assume the best, as she does, but at least she prodded me along the continuum. She helped me with patience and taught me how important packaging is - in life.

We shared books and altho our taste is rather different, she introduced me to Diana Gobaldon and together we devoured her stories of Jamie Fraser. She taught me that if I buy a new jacket every season, I can get away with my old clothes for one more year. And, that short hair is best for some women of a certain age. But the biggest gift was the gift of her friendship.

I miss her almost daily, but have only to sit for a few minutes to know that some of the wisdom in my life comes from Garland. Now, if only she had taught me timeliness!

Happy Birthday, Elizabeth!

Altho not my longest standing friend, Elizabeth has been one of my best - nearly forever. We met the first week of college, roomed together our senior year, and lived only blocks apart in grad school. She took me home for Thanksgivings in an age when travel to my home took too long for a weekend trip, and she tried to teach me to make good spaghetti sauce - like her mother's. She taught me to save, and to drink Cuba Libras. Later it was brunch in Georgetown with mimosas, and today it's a quiet chat over a glass of good red wine.

She was there for all the big things in my life - falling in love - and out of it, losing my virginity, buying my first house and finally, she stood next to me when I married the right man - and she, too, objected to the judge saying "and obey"!

We traveled together as girls and have spent vacations together with our husbands. She married a humdinger and inherited a wonderful son, whom she loves unconditionally. I can imagine us having rooms together in "the home" twenty years from now.

She's always been just a phone call or an email away. And she is always available to listen when I need to talk. Never judgmental, only probing to help me figure out how I really feel. She's a Wise Woman who is well-grounded, and as giving in spirit as anyone I know.

So, Happy Birthday, Elizabeth. Enjoy your day. Walk on the beach. I love you.